it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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