you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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