my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
