I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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