birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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