just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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