there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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