Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
