Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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