I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
