If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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