Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
