The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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