Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I want to have your abortion
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
