I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i've created a new STD.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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