Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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