Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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