I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
