i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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