She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
