Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
