you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
