his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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