as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
