do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
