I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
