Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
