new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
