exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
