did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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