Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i already hear my dad disowning me
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
