What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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