I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My bed is full of blood and feathers
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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