Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
