i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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