Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
