Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
