There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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