fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
