hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
