i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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