I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
