Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I want her autograph on my taint
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
