I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You ate ashes out of my bong
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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