i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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