I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
