hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
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