So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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