alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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