I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
