I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
